Hindrance

This is a personal whinge.

Most of you, by now, know that I occasionally do artwork. And most of you know that I have many health problems. These two things do not fit together. I am having another bad day. So I am going to write about it, because letting the shit pile up is not a healthy thing.

My portraits, if you have seen them, rely heavily on precise light values and shading. Because of this, I need to be able to see very well, and I need a lot of light on my work surface. A very difficult situation when I deal with chronic headaches and random vision problems, which may or may not be connected to my Lupus. I sit down with some hope, and within a short amount of time I can no longer find the intricacies of a picture because my eyes are full of flash-spots and after-images.

I have been to doctors, of course I have. I’ve endured 50 minutes of MRI scanning, I’ve been examined by a neurologist and an ophthalmologist. There’s nothing wrong, I’m just “prone to headaches” and I still have 20/20 vision but I’m extremely light-sensitive and my eyes get tired unusually fast. Suck it up and bear it.

Well I don’t WANT to suck it up and bear it. I’m trying to do something I love here. Other people like to see what I do. I’ve just recently realised the self-confidence in my portrait work to draw other people and then show those people my work, and I’ve been very fortunate to get more love from those people over that work than I could have imagined. It’s a respect thing, and is becoming moreso since I’m having such a difficult time making it work now. And these people I’ve drawn have no idea. It’s my way of showing them how much their being on this Earth, and doing the things that they do, has influenced and brightened my life. And as I get older and better at drawing – my body tells me NO, fuck off, you can’t do this thing that you’ve finally embraced.

Just a little bit frustrating. I’m trying to finish a tiny portrait right now, as a gift for another musician… and it’s making me sad.

In fact, reading this post on my own website, which I designed, is now hurting my eyes, and when I looked away after reading the draft, I can see white lines over everything I look at, from the text on my screen burning into my retinas. See how fun this can be for trying to shape a person’s cheekbone in a portrait!

Posted 24 Oct 2014. Tagged
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